Ask Kathryn: My husband plays video games all the time.
Dear Kathryn,
My husband plays video games all the time. I know that it is a form of recreation and enjoyment for him. I know it relaxes him and I appreciate that this is a hobby for him. The game he plays is violent and in the room where I hear it all.
When is enough enough? I don’t want to nag him. I want him to have some discipline and to stop on his own. Does he not like spending time doing fun things together? I am starting to wonder, why are we even married? Maybe he isn’t happy and this is his escape? Help!
- Gamer Wife
Dear Gamer Wife,
Oh my heart, I can see how much you are hurting! With imbalance, it can become easy to assume that a partner prefers hobbies over spending quality time together and it becomes extra torturous when you need to listen to it. First, he needs to wear headphones when he is gaming and that is non-negotiable IMO.
I am assuming that you have had a conversation about your hurt feelings before and if you haven't, you need to… like, yesterday. You will drive yourself crazy with assumptions of your marriage ending and his all consuming affair with video games.
Video games can be a satisfying way to let off steam and unplug after a long work day and also, addicting. I hear that you don’t want him to stop completely but you need him to find balance and genuinely want to spend time with you. I think it is important to approach this without shaming him but with a game plan and sharing your needs. Here are some ideas:
Agreed upon post work time frames for solo time that feel right for you both and then sticking to them.
Create a list of things you want/need to do together to reconnect with each other daily.
Plan a weekly date, hike, or dinners to cook together.
Remind each other why you love each other and find ways to show/share that love daily.
He needs to know that you feel unsettled in the current state of your marriage and that you are craving more time with him. If he doesn't know this, it is unfair to assume that he is avoiding you on purpose. You need to know how he feels. I do hope that by knowing how hurt you truly are, that he will want to make an effort to play less. This will show you that he is trying, even if it takes him some time to truly find balance.
While he is gaming, do things that fill you with joy. Read a book, journal, watch your favorite show, or go for a walk. These things will help you feel centered and whole within yourself.
Marriage takes work. If things continue to be hard, I highly recommend getting support together to help you both do the work that is needed to get through the harder times!
Chin up, controller down, hearts open!
Sincerely,
Kathryn
