Can you hear that? It’s the Wing of Destiny and it’s calling your name

By Cole Goodwin & Tom Peterson

Stop Everything!

Whatever you are doing right now. Stop.

Don’t you know what day it is?

It’s National Chicken Wing Day. And it’s time to get medieval about it.

So put on your loose shorts and get prepared because today we’re flying through the flavors.

Because, friends, is there really anything more satisfying than grabbing a saucy wing and plunging it headlong into a cup of blue cheese or ranch and then painting your face glorious shades of orange while falling deep into your lizard brain and crunching and gnashing, and pulling meat off bone until the heat, tang and savory crisp skin juice turn into an elixir that sends you into a new flavor reality. A chili-savory ascension. 

Right. I thought so.

So, to commemorate the day properly, the staff at Columbia Community Connection took on the brutal task of trying some local favorites in a completely unscientific but delicious analysis with wet naps and whisky. Cole Goodwin, Robbie Denning and myself, having eaten whole flocks of wings in the years leading up to this momentous task, felt ourselves well prepared and, more importantly, rather hungry.   

The players chosen at random

Beachwood Eatery; Last Stop Saloon; Rivertap; Spooky’s and Montira’s Thai Cuisine.

So, let’s get down to it. Because you can’t fake the funk when it comes to biting into another hunk after a big wing dunk.  

Rivertap offered up a chipotle rubbed wing called The Lisa that transcended with a plunge of Ranch.

Rivertap : The Lisa 

Service: Buying Experience was exactly what we love about living in The Dalles. VERY welcoming, being welcomed by name and then attended too immediately.

The Lunch Bag: The wings came well prepared in a paper bag, bringing with them SIX WET WIPES which we pocketed to use as additional COVID protection, FIVE NAPKINS, and TWO POTS of ranch :) 

Flavor Profile: Lots of dry rub. They threw a multitude of spices at this one. More textural then the others.

PRO TIP: The key to this wing is the Ranch. With it Valhalla, great pairing. Without it, hmmmmmmm.. 

Uniqueness Factor: It’s called the LISA. We’re intrigued….Bonus points for having the coolest name. 

Last Stop Saloon combined crunch with flavor to make a great wing.

Last Stop : Sweet & Spicy

Service with a Smile: So, so... WEAR THE MASK, please. 

The Lunch Bag: Plastic bag and containers, came with cucumber, celery, carrots, and ranch. A FULL SPREAD. 

Flavor Profile: A delicious thin coating of breading, perfect amount of heavenly sauce, great flavour. Low spice index, nice little crunch on the outside. Very tender, perfectly cooked. And that slow subtle heat, that makes your tongue curl.

Stickiness Factor: Pretty clean for a wing.

Montira’s Thai Cuisine went with the whole wing and their sweet sauce.

Montira's Thai Cuisine : Thai Chicken Wings

Service with a Smile: Quick, easy, friendly. Wings done in 8 minutes. 

BONUS ROUND: Montira’s has a cool new look. Check out their walk-up window complete with food slot, for maximum COVID protection and prevention. Signage advised we stand one "cow’s distance” apart. 

The Lunch Bag: The box came with one flap open to vent the wings and to prevent condensation in the box. No rookie mistakes here. No napkins or wet wipes. We were offered utensils, but we declined. 

Flavor Profile: The chicken seemed to be baked not fried and came naked. The sweet Thai chilli sauce definitel dressed these wings well.  Wings, alone, were well cooked with a straightforward chicken flavor with a little tang. The sauce was sweet with very low heat. One downside: size matters for us wing fanatics. The portion sizes are small so order double. 

A great wing for grandma. You can eat it flap and all. But heat seekers should ask to spice it up.

Stickiness Factor: Pretty clean for a wing. Well-until you dip it in that sweet sweet chilli sauce and get it all over your bosses computer. 

Ken Caitlin of Beachwood Eatery serves up a mean wing ala Frank’s Red Hot, Butter and cool celery.

Beachwood : Classic Buffalo 

Service with a Smile: Very Friendly, Ken Caitlin invited me in to hang with him and his crew while he cooked us up some wings and told us some jokes. Great family atmosphere, as usual.

The Lunch Bag: Biggest wings of the day! Lots of meat on these bones. Large portion sizes came with six napkins, and their house tangy ranch. The plastic to-go box caused the wings to get soggy though so be sure to dine in or pop the lid to keep them crunchy. 

Flavor Profile: Different cooking style -breaded and fried first, then sauced. 

Classic medium heat flavour - Frank’s Red Hot and Butter. 

Good/fair heat. 

BONUS POINTS: These wings are HUGE. 

Spooky’s Sweet Chili wings got some solid reviews. Sesame seeds and green onion provided some nice color.

Toss up. Wings should be tumbled, not stirred.

MaKenna Wilcox at Spooky’s helped with a little hand out. Only two cars deep this day. Pretty quick service.

Mission Control, we have a mission.

From 10,000 feet - Please sir, may I have some more?

Finish line in sight.