Question of the Week: How do you deal with conflict?
By Cole Goodwin
Welcome to Question of the Week, a weekly news column that poses timely questions about life, politics, culture, economics, health, and more to people out and about in our communities. Our hope at CCC News is that having this space dedicated to being curious about other people’s experiences can help us to deepen our understanding of people from all walks of life.
This week’s question of the week is a timely question that asks us to consider how we handle conflict and how resolving conflict can bring us closer together.
This week's Question is: How do you deal with conflict?
Heidi Venture, 64, Hood River
I try to calm myself down and listen to the other person… Sometimes I go to my room and cry if I have to, and then I come back and have the conflict.
I encourage conflict because it’s the only way for us to communicate everything that we need to communicate.
I’ve been a conflict avoider almost my whole life.
Then about six years ago, I started trying to have better conflict and it’s changed my life for the better. It’s made my relationships better. It’s made me good friends that I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t gone through the conflict I needed to have with them and found a resolution.
I had a conflict with this woman while we were in a meeting and she said to me “We are NOT going to talk about this right now.” You know, just in that kind of tone. And I thought, 'Oh my god what did I do. I offended her. I’ve done something wrong.' And actually, I did go back to my room and cry. And then the next morning I said, 'you know, you said something last night and I just want to listen to you about why you said that.' And she told me her story. And then I told her why I said what I said.
And we’ve been friends ever since.
Because now we understand each other and plus resolving conflict connects you. It makes a kind of weird connection in your heart when you have a conflict that gets resolved and where you both understand each other and express that you see their viewpoint and that it’s okay.
I love conflict. We should have a lot more of it.
Donavan Gaskins, 19, Originally from South Carolina, now living in White Salmon
Be respectful.
Don’t judge someone instantly just because you’re in conflict with them.
Actually, give it a chance and try to see their side and don't try to like, force them to your side.
I’ll spit out what I believe and how I see things but I don’t try to push it on anybody. I try to keep it peaceful. Everybody deserves to have their own thoughts and their own beliefs.
I actually enjoy hearing other people’s beliefs or thoughts because it’s interesting. I can kind of benefit from it too, because I always learn something new from other people’s thoughts. We can use differences to our advantage, not in a bad way, but we can play off each other’s strengths and learn from each other.
Personally, I understand that people have different beliefs and outlooks about things. So I’ll take the time to try and understand why they see it a different way or believe a certain thing.
Sometimes, if they say something I completely disagree with, I’ll try to slowly work my way out of the conversation. If they can’t understand you, then that’s fine, just leave it at that. But most of the time…I try to actually listen.
Joyce Fitzsimmons, 73, White Salmon
I avoid conflict. I definitely avoid conflict. I don’t really know how to answer that question.
I know I’ve got an issue right now with a business that I really enjoy. I’ve really enjoyed that person up until now…but then a sign appeared in their window along with the ubiquitous politicized and weaponized American flag. When I saw it, I just sort of shut down it terms of doing business with that person.
But it hasn’t come up. So there’s been no actual conflict, but it’s there in my mind. And I’m certain that they have some conflict going on too. When you put up a sign in your business that announces your politics real loud and clear you will lose business. There’s no way around that .
So as poor of an answer as it is. I avoid conflict.
I live a life that doesn’t really immerse me in conflict. I love books. I have found that over seventeen years running this bookstore, most people are very respectful and come in looking for books. We have great discussions, and they recommend things to me, and I recommend things to them. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve had people throw comments at me or have just made their controversial views known.
So that’s pretty much all I can tell you. I know you got to remain calm and you certainly don’t want to start screaming and shouting. But yeah, I’ve mostly avoided conflict.
I’ve been lucky enough to have a family that pretty much shares the same values that I do. And if they don’t, they don’t push it. And I don’t push it. I guess if you’re just treating people respectfully all the time, you naturally kind of avoid conflict. But things are changing.
Leslie Naramore, 39, White Salmon
So I think the first thing to do is try to see it from the other person’s point of view and think about how they’re feeling and what made them feel this way before responding.
CG: So trying to understand the other person’s point of view without being defensive?
LN: Right. Listening and having empathy.
I think those things are especially important right now, not just with all the conflict that’s happening on a national and worldwide level but just because everybody seems to be on edge being on year three of a pandemic.
CG: Do you think the conflict can bring about a positive result or increase human connection?
LN: Yes, I do think that conflict can lead to positive results…but less so in this time and space because people are being very defensive. But avoiding conflict and not dealing with it and just kicking the can down the road doesn’t help either.
So it would help if you tried to deal with it the best way that you can and connect with people on a human level and recognize their humanity. That’s the key to building relationships…just connecting with someone as fellow humans before you connect over anything else. We all have the same human experience, but we all have different tools.
Madison Hayashi, 30, White Salmon
I usually avoid it at first and give myself some time to breathing room to internally take in what’s happening and how it’s affecting me and then come out with open communication and respond in a calm manner with solutions coming to the surface and trying to approach everything with love even if the conflict is about anger or hatred so that I can reflect back that energy and hopefully turn it around.
I’ve been hit with a lot of conflicts in my life. So learning what you can control and what you can’t control. Sometimes people reflect conflict on you that’s not necessarily your doing.
CG: Do you think conflict can bring people closer together than if they had avoided the conflict?
MH: Yeah, I think so. I think conflict brings out many inner truths that might not have come to the surface unless conflict had arisen.
With that comes the strength of bond in seeing eye to eye in the realness that not everything is non-conflict. We’re always on the wavy train of life. We’re going up and down, and we’ve got to see each other, feel each other, and hold each other through that.
I think conflict and resolution is key to a deep authentic relationship.
Ryan Maxwell, 26, Underwood
So I love this question, you know, I think it's very apropos given this situation and circumstances we have right now.
I've learned a lot over the years, you know, and handled quite a bit of conflict and some of it more volatile than others. But I think one of the common threads in finding a resolution for me during conflict is to take a moment of pause.
When I'm in that heightened state, it's really hard to find a resolution because I find that I'm reacting to the situation rather than responding. And it’s hard to have deep-rooted intention in my values when I'm in reaction and not response mode.
So I find that the most fruitful thing to do in finding resolution actually happens at the start for me. So it's that taking a step back and saying, let me sit with this and let me digest this, and let's touch base in a little bit.
I've learned to take an honest inventory of myself in those situations and sort of do like an internal inventory and break it down into
What are the objective facts of the situation?
What was my part in this situation?
What am I responsible for in this situation? How did I heighten a situation or cause harm to this other person?
I also have wonderful people in my life that have great spiritual tools.
I sort of have this…It's like a step-by-step process that I’ve developed with some friends. So I literally just phone call them and they say, okay, tell me the situation.
The steps are basically you call, you tell them the situation, including your own part in it, and then you listen to the person.
The friend’s part in this is then to tell me: This is what I hear in the situation. This is the part that I see you have to play in the situation. And typically when I have that conversation with another person that's objective to the situation they can tell me that 'yeah, this situation sucks, or yeah, like, that was totally, not a great move on their part, you know? Or yeah, I can see how you would respond that way or how you might have interpreted that way…but here's the reality.' And I find that really valuable. And just having that validation, and just knowing that I'm not crazy or alone, in the feelings that I'm experiencing, is really good at calming my nerves and helping me feel grounded again.
And then they remind me to go to my own spiritual life, you know.
And for me, that looks like, you know, doing some prayer, meditating, and just calling on the energies outside of myself to give me some intuitive thought and direction and clarity on the situation. And I sit with it and let my body move through the emotions it needs to.
And then I take a little bit of a break from the situation and let myself depressurize my system a little bit. Just take some water out of the pot so that it doesn’t boil over next time.
And then when I feel ready I'll call the other person or text them and just say, 'hey, let's have a conversation about the situation.'
And then right off the bat, I tell them, 'hey, I see that in the situation I had a part to play. And here's what my part was.'
I do apologize but I know that apologies aren't everything; amending my actions is more important. So I ask 'how I can take right action next time to ensure that we can build a bridge of communication and build a relationship rather than tear it apart?'
And I find that people tend to be much more responsive and much more willing to look at their own actions when I'm willing to do that within myself. You know. It's a basic principle of: I can't practice anything out in the world that I can’t practice within myself.
For example, I've heard it said karma’s a you-know-what.But there is a great spiritual essay that says karma is not a you-know-what. Karma is a mirror. You get out what you put in.
So if I'm putting out that energy of self-reflection and dedication to learning and growing, I find that that's usually the response I get from the people I may be having conflict with. And of course it's not true across every situation, right? We've all been in situations where there's a bit more of a wall there.
But at the end of the day, I think that the most important thing about conflict and conflict resolution is realizing that it is not somebody else's responsibility for me to find resolution in a situation or in a conflict. It is up to me and my own spiritual life to find a resolution and a conflict resolution within myself. I can't solve every situation or every problem the world has. I do my best but at the end of the day, I need to make sure that I can sleep well at night and that I can lay my head on the pillow.
So finding that resolution within myself is the most important responsibility that I can be dedicated to. Making sure that I'm taking time to heal and bringing a healed version of myself into those situations in the future.
So, back to the situation, you know, I go, and I talk to them and say, 'hey, this is a part that I see I had to play, you know, it's anything that I missed out. Are there other ways I caused you harm that I didn't see?'
And then I listen, you know, actually listen to this person. Even if they don't use the greatest words or the speaker is making me feel a little hurt or a little upset in the moment. I just take a moment and just okay, it's okay. We are grounded. And at the end of the day, I'm gonna be okay, you know?
So I can just take it in for what it really is and I can see a reflection of how I can act better in the world and just take what I need and leave the rest.
If I don't agree with certain viewpoints somebody has, that's okay. I can leave that and just take the personal growth things with me Like: 'Thank you, now I'm gonna work on being more understanding in the future.' And the resolution in that situation might be just letting somebody else witness someone who is able to take the criticism and realize it is not just destruction, it is construction. And maybe that opens them up to something different then what they've ever known.
You know, a lot of people in this world, I think, especially in certain areas in certain climates and certain situations, are pushed to our absolute limits. So we're constantly in survival mode and we don't have that room to breathe. I know this life is hard, I've been homeless, right?
But when we get to witness somebody, taking that room to breathe and sitting with themselves and finding joy and finding peace and growth can be encouraging to them. So instead of encouraging someone else to take the right action, I encourage myself to take the right action. And then I let other people witness me being responsible and accountable to myself for myself.
And a lot of times I find that people are then willing to say, ‘oh you know I found that really interesting, I think that maybe I overreacted too. Or you know I can see how I had a part to play in that too.’ And then it can be a conversation about how at the end of the day, we're both trying our best, aren't we?
In this conversation, we've gone from two people flying up the handle or in fight or flight or freeze mode or reaction, you know survival instinct to having both our feet back on the ground. We can see that we're both eye to eye, we're level. I can be reminded that nobody is above me or below me. We are all equals with all different journeys, and all have different obstructions in our path in this life, we all have different things to learn for our souls to grow.
When I can remember that we're both trying our best then I can show up for that other person for my actions and say ‘I see you are trying your best. Thank you for trying your best. Thank you for being willing to have this conversation with me.’ And I can help them feel a little bit of safety and security so that they can be more open and vulnerable as well. I think that opening the door to vulnerability is really, really powerful for building something more meaningful but vulnerability can't happen when we're just trying to survive.
So finally, I have to nourish myself and then nourish the relationship once I am full.
CG: I appreciate your perspective on finding resolution.
What I feel I learned today is most people do not enjoy conflict. Most people do enjoy resolution if they can get it, but not everyone knows how to find their way to a resolution in conflict.
This is unfortunate because conflict is more or less an unavoidable part of life. So instead of viewing conflict as this scary thing, maybe we can find a way to have mindful conflict. And to do that, we have to admit that we are not perfect and that nobody is perfect, so no relationship can be perfect.
But, regardless of that, we can use conflict to create real, authentic, and honest relationships. And if we can find resolution, we can have relationships that are committed to growing and learning.
And if we always avoid conflict or fall into people pleasing patterns, then we miss out on that opportunity to feel truly seen and understood.
RM: Exactly.
And if you are people pleasing, then you're creating conflict within yourself. And you're creating dissonance within yourself. You are harming yourself by trying to keep the peace.
And you’re also preventing both of you from growing by avoiding the conflict. Because learning new perspectives is a part of conflict.
So let’s say hey, when we step back into this ring it doesn't have to be a fighting ring. Instead of having a fighting ring let’s have a table where we sit down. I want to understand your perspectives. I want to exchange different viewpoints and draw new conclusions and reach resolutions by drawing from different life experiences. And then what we have is not conflict, it’s education.
And that’s what can happen when you bring your healed self to the table and have done the work on you.
I think it just really boils down to you can’t avoid conflict. It's going to happen. But the practice has to start with yourself. How are you supposed to intentionally listen to somebody else or help somebody else if you don’t even know how to do those things for yourself. Practice listening to yourself, practice helping yourself, healing yourself, loving yourself and you’ll find those things a lot easier in the world around you. You’ll find people are more willing to find resolution with you.
It’s a lot easier to practice these things with other people when you’ve practiced with yourself first. You have to know who you are. That allows you to come to the conversation as a whole person.
The things you want to do and how you want to interact with other people starts with how you interact with yourself.
CG: Thanks for talking with us today Ryan.
RM: Thank you.
Ryan Maxwell will be joining the CCCNews Marketing and Community Development Team next week, and we're looking forward to it!
For more information on conflict Resolution check out these videos:
