Column: No Auto pilot for happiness - it takes an intentional dash everyday

Donna Henderson

Living Well by Donna Henderson

August is “National ‘Admit You’re Happy’ Month.”

Who knew?

And what better time to focus on happiness than the sunshine-filled days of summer?

There’s been a lot of attention in both research and therapy in the past few years to the principles and practices of “positive psychology,” which focuses on the ways that we can deliberately influence our experience of overall happiness.

Some studies have concluded that we each, individually, have a “happiness set-point” that largely determines our overall sense of well-being. According to the researchers, experiences that feel positive can temporarily raise our mood levels, and losses or disappointments can lower them, but generally, our moods tend to cluster around this “set point,” and to return to it.

And while it’s thought that these basic mood level “set points” are partly determined by our genes and our upbringing, it turns out that about 40 percent of our personal happiness “climate” is within our control, and can be changed by making conscious choices to behave in ways that increase positive feelings. Simply by taking our thinking (and other behavioral) habits off “automatic” and putting them on “manual,” we can add much more happiness to our lives than may have seemed possible before.

A keyword here is the word “add:” Happiness is not made by covering over our sorrow and suffering with a smiley-face sticker; it’s about increasing the scope of our experience to include happiness as part of it. It’s about choosing to invite happiness to live and to grow side-by-side with our other moods and experiences. In fact, our ability to successfully navigate life’s disappointments and losses (and even to cope with depression), is in great part dependent on our ability to look for, receive, cultivate and savor positive feelings and experiences also.

The thing is, this does take some effort, but only because the positive does not shout for our attention in the way that fear and disappointment do. As organisms, we’re wired that way to survive, but it’s not what helps us to thrive!

Here are 5 practices that can help to cultivate happiness.

Keep a gratitude journal. Each night before going to bed, write down three new things for which you are grateful. It’s important to write these down, not just review them in your mind: new habits of mind tend to take root more easily when the body is involved. Doing this every day for 3 weeks will make it a habit, meaning your brain will start automatically more things to appreciate.

Regularly notice and savor the positive. Maybe your practice will be to jot down at least one positive experience you’ve had in the last 24 hours and take the time to really appreciate it. Maybe it will mean really savoring the taste of a sandwich, instead of reviewing (and savoring) a grudge while you eat. As with the gratitude practice, you’re creating the habit of noticing and “taking in” positive experiences automatically, by looking for them each day.

Make intentional acts of kindness a daily habit. There are so many opportunities for these throughout every day, it’s just a matter of taking them! Make a practice of saying a kind word in place of a complaint (or instead of no word) to the person who checks out your groceries, answers the phone at a business, or pumps your gas. Do or say something thoughtful for a family member or friend. Kindness reaps what it sows in us, so notice whether or not you might start feeling more kindly toward yourself as a result of making a habit of kindliness.

Move your body every day. The verdict is in: there’s no question that exercise and other physical activity reduce stress levels and boost the “well-being” chemicals circulating in the brain and bloodstream, as well as helping our bodies be more energetic and healthier in the long run. Once again, a commitment to a daily practice of exercise teaches the body to expect it, as well as to expect its positive results.

Sit in quiet attention for a period of time every day. Spending even one minute each day (but the more the better) just sitting quietly without “doing” anything else, just noticing the moment within and without, gives the mind a rest from all the reacting and story-telling it does otherwise. It’s not even necessary to “try to relax” or “try to be calm” (which can backfire anyway, since these involve “trying”). Just taking some time each day to sit still with whatever thoughts and emotions are going on can have a profound settling effect, boosting those well-being chemicals in the brain. My own practice is to do this for 30 minutes each day…and I can tell the difference when I don’t!

And since habits are easier to develop (just like they are easier to break) by starting with one at a time, start with just one that speaks to you, and give it a try.

In fact, here’s a challenge to readers this month: pick one “happiness habit” to cultivate, practice it for 3 weeks, let me know (donna@donnahendersonlcsw.com) what the results are for you, and I’ll report back in the September column. (I’m taking on the “gratitude journal:” you heard it here!).