How to Survive the Holidays With Your Mental Health Intact
By Cole Goodwin
The holidays are not just a time for joy and peace on earth. The holidays can be downright stressful for many people.
A lack of time, money, social pressures, and complex family dynamics can be significant stressors for many people this time of year.
Throw grief, seasonal affective disorder, and pre-existing mental behavioral and emotional health conditions into the mix, and you've got a full-blown holiday horror movie on your hands.
To help you get through the holidays, here is some advice from local people about things you can do to take the pressure off this week.
We spoke with Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor Monique Adams of Mid Columbia Medical Center (MCMC) to bring you some therapist-grade advice on surviving and thriving during the holidays.
Pictured: Monique Adams
Interview with Monique Adams, LCSW, CADC
Read the whole thing or skip to the question you want to read using these links.
What are your top five pieces of advice for surviving and thriving during the holidays?
What are some of the main stress points people have around holidays?
How does the conflict between holiday ideals and holiday reality impact our mental health?
What advice would you give to someone dealing with family estrangement during the holidays?
Let’s do a generic question first before we go deep into some of these heavier questions.
What are your top five pieces of advice for surviving and thriving during the holidays?
Plan Ahead
Adams said planning ahead can help take some of the stress out of an overwhelming to-do list. Break things up into small manageable steps.
"Do your baking, your gift wrapping, Plan the month of December,” Adams said. “Say ‘Okay, I need to do this by this date and have this done by this date.’"
Be Realistic, Set Limits and Boundaries
Set realistic expectations for the holidays.
If your family is struggling financially, don't have an expectation of getting a new car for Christmas. You'll just be setting yourself up for failure and for disappointment.
Or if your friends and family live far away or are spread across the state, don't have an expectation to travel to see them all on the same day.
"When we first got married, we had five different stops to make on Christmas day, and it was horrible," said Adams.
"And we didn't enjoy it because we had to go to so many different places. There was a lot of travel time. There was traffic. It was miserable.
And we finally said, what is realistic? This isn't enjoyable to us.
So now we see people at different times of the year, and it's very intentional and its very enjoyable and very relaxed. We break it down so that we have a stop the day before and a stop the day of, instead of cramming five visits into one day so that it becomes overwhelming and unpleasant," said Adams.
Being realistic about what you can accomplish with the time and resources you have can make a big difference when it comes to enjoying your holiday experience.
Set a Budget
If you plan to buy gifts, decorations, or host a party or meal this holiday season set a budget and stick to it to avoid stress later down the road.
Practice Gratitude
Practicing gratitude every day can help you feel more thankful and less worried about what you don't have, whether that's time, money, or family.
"Just get up every day and think of something that you're thankful for," said Adams. "Whether that's gratitude for the roof over your head, if it's a phone to reach out and talk to somebody, having food in your tummy, having a furry creature at your feet or the fuzzy slippers on - Just being able to say something you're thankful for and practice gratitude every day helps you feel more thankful for things that are happening."
Seek Mental Health Support
"The bottom line is seek mental health services, if you need it," said Adams, "Ask your doctor if you feel like you're suffering with mental health issues. Most primary care provider (PCP) clinics in the Gorge have integrated behavioral health therapists (all three of MCMCs PCPs clinics do), talk to your PCP about your mental health struggles, and see if a therapist is right for you."
See the end of this article for a list of local and national mental health and crisis emergency resources.
What are some of the main stress points people have around the holidays?
"People say the holidays stress me out," said Adams.
"And then when you dig a little bit deeper into that, they often have a sense of being completely overwhelmed.
People are suffering from all kinds of stresses, a lack of money, family relation issues… and there's this happiness, that is depicted everywhere, and when some people aren't feeling it because of their past history or a situation they are currently going through, that can be stressful.
And there's stress around it being a time crunch, and a feeling that there's not enough time to get everything done."
What do you think are some of the most stressful or mental health damaging ideas or traditions associated with the holidays?
"So, I think that there's this idea that we have to live up to something, or the holidays are depicted in such a way where it's a happy family, gatherings, and people getting together. And you get a sense of warmth and all the gifts that you want," said Adams.
"And the reality is people feel a lot of pressure to meet those unrealistic expectations, and they have this feeling that there are no other options… So even when you don't have money, you overextend yourself financially, physically or mental health-wise. And that causes people to feel they are in conflict with the ideals in our culture and what it is supposed to be.
And that causes an internal conflict that feels very in contradiction to all the happy pictures and the music and the festive people that are wearing Christmas sweaters around you."
How does the conflict between holiday ideals and holiday reality impact our mental health?
"Well, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, (NAMI) one in five people in the United States have something that can be qualified as a mental illness and are suffering from mental health symptoms," said Adams.
"NAMI just put out a study that said 64% of people that have mental illness say that the holidays make their symptoms worse.
So, all of the additional pressures make people feel worse during the holidays. So, basically whatever we've got going on already is being further exacerbated."
What are some of the tools and practices you recommend for taking care of mental health during the holidays?
"Setting boundaries is really important and honoring your feelings. And honor other people's feelings. Pace yourself. Remind yourself of things that bring you peace, and implement that into practice," said Adams.
"Set aside time for things that you enjoy, which can feel kind of counterintuitive when you're feeling really stressed because you're like, 'oh, I don't have time to go to coffee with my best girlfriend and take a moment to visit with her.' But what that leads to is that what you end up doing is not doing things that you enjoy. And instead, you start looking at things as very task-oriented duties, and you start losing the joy and the celebration leading up to holidays. And think about creating new traditions if you need to.
And the other thing that's really important with mental health is just paying attention to your sleep patterns and your diet leading up to holidays.
We do more in social settings during the holidays. You have more days off. So, you stay up later; you get your sleep schedule off.
And people tend to drink more alcohol during the holidays. Drinking alcohol can cause more anxiety. So, if you're already feeling anxious about things and then you increase your alcohol intake that can cause more anxiety. Drinking alcohol can also cause more sleep disruptions and we know sleep is super critical to the overall functioning and maintaining of our mental health.
It's a very decadent season. And increased intake of sugar and caffeine can also cause more sleep disruptions for us and have a huge impact on our mental health and overall wellbeing."
What advice would you give to someone dealing with family estrangement during the holidays?
"I think you have to acknowledge the feelings that you have about it," said Adams.
"I think when you have family that is estranged, a lot of times, there is a feeling that you wish things were different. You wish people were different. You wish they reacted differently. And we know we can't change other people. We can just change how we cope with what's going on.
So I would really try to get somebody to focus on acknowledging your feelings, building good coping skills, creating new healthy boundaries, and new healthy habits."
Adams also suggested folks plan how they are going to go through the holidays without them.
"What does that look like to you if you have estranged family and you're not going to be with them? What does that look like? And how can that be tolerable for you?
Even if you are estranged from your blood relatives, a lot of people have family that's not related to them by blood. They have families of the heart; these are people we choose to be with that accept us, that love us, and that we can create our own family settings and our own new traditions with."
What advice do you have for LGBTQ+ folx who may or may not experience acceptance from their families during the holidays? What advice would you give to those families struggling to accept their LGBTQ+ family members? How can we face ingrained sexism, homophobia, and gender roles during the holidays?
"So, a couple of comments I have about that. I think gender normative roles are social constructs that we make up," said Adams.
"So, you know, it's you know: boy's don't wear pink, and boy's don't have long hair. We make up these roles and teach them to our children. And if we really want to alleviate some of those constructs that we create, one of the things that we can do is just to be self-reflective.
Being self-reflective is the very first step.
It's asking what are things that we take for granted, and that we assume it's just the way it is? Why is it that? Will something happen if that's not the case? Is it important that my male child not wear pink shoes out to play? Will that cause him some harm? Physically, no. Mentally, no. That's a social construct that we put on the child.
But there are some people that aren't into a space to be able to do that self-reflection. So, then we talk about how can folks take care of themselves while potentially dealing with a family that doesn't accept them? And in those cases, it's really important that people have support plans and support people.
Questions Adams suggests LGBTQ+ people ask themselves are:
"Who is somebody that you can call and talk to? Who's your support network? And also, what's your exit plan? If your grandmother's going to sit at the table and belittle you, what's your boundary around that? If you have piercings or you look different, or you choose to have some physical feature that's not accepted in your family, you know, long hair, pink hair that they're just not gonna like… What is acceptable behavior from them? And what is acceptable behavior that you'll tolerate? And what is your exit plan if you can no longer tolerate unacceptable behavior?
Adams suggests that folx going to travel to visit family also plan whether or not they are going to spend the whole time with family or not.
"Do you need to spend the whole weekend with your family? Maybe you buy a gym membership, maybe you go and do something and take breaks. Or you go and see your friend while you're out of town. You don't have to just stay in that environment.
Have an exit plan.
If things get uncomfortable, set limits and say, 'you know we're not going to talk about this today.' And if that is not acceptable, then just saying 'okay, well then that's going to end our dinner today' or whatever that looks like... It's really about having a plan ahead of time and supporting people that you can rely on. Whether that looks like having someone to call, or someone to be with, it's just creating that support that you need.
One thing that's been very interesting is trying to get queer supports in the area, especially since COVID. They are so limited. And there's also so much fear from folks about just being in a rural area. So, for me personally, it's been kind of a quest to try to find some more resources."
What can we do to take the pressure off each other when it comes to gift-giving and holiday perfectionism?
"I think we have to look at how the pressure got put on us," said Adams.
"I would really encourage people to look at making gifts, at crafting, and drawing names so that you're only responsible for giving a gift to one person, especially if you've got a big family, and potentially getting wish lists from people so that if you do draw names, you can be more secure and confident about what you're getting for them.
Doing things like a secret Santa leading up to your Christmas function or holiday function.
Or completely going the other way and saying, 'we're not going to do gifts at all. We're going to do a donation and you get to pick who or what that receives that donation. Donate to a shelter. Donate to an entity. Donate to somebody who is experiencing homelessness. Go to the grocery store and buy somebody's groceries. Say, ‘that's how we're doing it this year.'
You can totally just turn traditions upside down.
And you can also set dollar amount limits to mitigate the pressure of commercialism.
There's a lot of things that we could do. We created this expectation. And since we've created it, we can also change that expectation."
What is a good way to respond to receiving a gift that you don't want? Or something to say to a family member for instance who keeps giving you a themed gift, say a Hello Kitty themed gift, and the truth is you don't really like Hello Kitty?
"In general, if you get something that you don't want though the best thing is to really just realize that it is the thought that counts right," said Adams. "Like somebody went into some effort to get you something. So being able to just say 'this is really thoughtful, I appreciate that. You bought me something, and your kindness is really appreciated.'
And you have a very specific example of somebody who keeps giving you the same themed item, which is a little bit different than if I just randomly got something that I don't want in my opinion," said Adams.
It's very different. Because now you have somebody who believes in a pattern. So that feels like there's room to have a conversation there.
Suppose you have somebody who gets you Hello Kitty every year. You know, there are ways in which you can gently respond to that.
You can say 'this is so great. I loved playing with these when I was 10. And you know what last time I ended up giving this to one of my neighbors kids and she loved it, I might do the same thing this year.'
So, there's a gentle way to kind of redirect instead of saying, 'you've been getting me these for five years. I said I liked that once because I liked your t-shirt.' You can approach it in a different way and gently kind of bring it up.
But always remember, people are probably struggling when they're getting you something the same way that we may be struggling when we are getting gifts for other people.
There are certain people on my list that are really easy to shop for and other people that I'm like, 'man, this is really a struggle for me.'
What advice would you give to divorced parents whose kids may be splitting the holidays between two different families? Especially when those two different parents/families may have different holiday traditions and parenting styles?
"Well, I think that one of the things for parents is you have to limit your expectations. Because you have had holidays in a specific way with the specific family makeup that is no longer. So holidays aren't going to look the same." said Adams.
"You're going to have to do new things with your kids. Create new traditions. Ask your friends how they've managed through the holidays. Most of us have friends that have all gone through this and might be able to share what's worked well with the kids and what hasn't worked."
If you are going to split the holidays, meeting in a public place to pass off children can be a good option.
"Usually meeting at a public place is a great way to exchange children, back and forth versus going to the in-law’s house, that may now hate you."
And also ask the question: do you have to split the kids on Christmas? Can somebody do Christmas Eve and somebody do Christmas day? What are your expectations around that? Again the day itself is a construct. What would happen if I had my celebration with my child a day later? Those would be questions I would ask. Don't carry a lot of expectations of what it's going to look like. Just be open to it and be present in the moment. Be present with your kids. Try not to stress too much about the change and know that, you know, they're there."
If this is the first year that your kids will be splitting the holidays Adams recommends acknowledging that fact with your children.
"Sometimes we try to cover up things for children. I think it's really important to acknowledge to children that this is a change. And there are a lot of different emotions that are going to be felt this year because we are not all together in the same household. But maybe it'll be more relaxing too if they're used to having a family where parents were arguing all the time. Maybe it will be more of a calming situation.
And if it's possible you can always ask kids what their preference is. If you are willing to realize that or they're old enough to make some of those decisions, you can be flexible like that. But I think it's really important to acknowledge with your kids that it is a change and that it's going to be different for everybody."
How to deal with a competitive co-parent who wants to outdo you on the holidays, perhaps through expensive gift-giving etc?
"Ask what does Christmas mean to you? Is it about the gifts you get your kids? Is that what Christmas means?" said Adams. "Like, where is the meaning in the gift-giving for you? Is it making kids happy?
Very rarely do I have adults come in that tell me that when their parents got divorced, one person got them better gifts than the other person. They remember the experience. They remember the family time. They remember the feelings and emotions around the holiday, not what they got. So, I think that is somewhat significant.
I think that it's really realistic for newly divorced people to have different income levels.
And I would really recommend that you really focus on what's important to you, and you make it about family time and not gifts. There are other ways that you can celebrate:
Going on a family drive.
Going for hikes.
Playing card games.
Signing up for a giving tree.
Asking for help from other people to help support the family.
Minimizing gifts.
If you plan ahead and you know that kids want something, maybe do layaway.
Go to the dollar store and get a lot of little tiny fun gifts and create a big scavenger hunt for the kids.
You know, there are other ways to celebrate and have a good time, then commercialism and trying to outdo the competitive ex-partner in dollar value.
I mean again, kids really don't go in to the holidays with as many expectations as adults. Kids want their parents to be together. That's the bottom line. Kids always want their parents to be together, and they hope that there's a chance they'll reunite. And if that's not going to happen, just again acknowledging that and then telling the children, 'you know, we're going to do the best we can.'
Set up traditions that you're going to carry through. Maybe ask your children to set up traditions. Perhaps it's doing something whacky like, well, 'you know, since your dad's not here, we're gonna dress up the dog. Now, every Christmas, that's going to be our holiday activity. We're going to go get an outfit before Christmas, and we're going to dress up the dog.'
Make something that you carry forward that has some meaning and that gets your kids to interact."
What are some recommendations you have for folks, who want to make the most of the holidays, while also coping with covid, complicated, family dynamics, and differing political opinions?
Well, every year is a different year, right? said Adams.
And a lot of times people didn't gather, so for many families, this will be the first time that they're going to be getting together after a pandemic. And not many people… have lived through a pandemic before, so this is all new for us. So, the idea that we're going to be able to celebrate in the same way and do the same things that we did before and have the same feelings and same outcomes is a little bit unrealistic because people have changed.
We have changed societies and changed workforces. Our politics have changed. So, again, my recommendation is really just about boundaries. If you can gather and do it safely, do it and be in the moment and enjoy what it looks like.
I would really try to limit polarizing conversations, and if somebody's having a polarizing discussion, I would stay out of it. I wouldn't jump into it, especially if you have a differing view. And I understand that there's time and places and advocacy. But there are times when you want to get together and you want to enjoy your family. And you know that if you have this conversation, it is going to get into a big hot argument. You can choose to do that, or you can choose not to. But if what you really want is to get together and enjoy your family's company, I would try to steer clear of that.
And if you're a facilitator or organizer of a household, I would have a list of no talk words that we cannot say. I think you could even make a game out of it, I don't know, but there are just ways that if there are really touchy things we don't need to have those conversations yet if we really want to experience that time as a positive interaction."
What advice would you give to people who may be dealing with a death in the family and mourning a loss during the holidays?
"Do what feels right to you. That's the bottom line because there's no correct way to grieve," said Adams.
We all do it differently. If you need to stay home and cry and you can't be around other people, do it. If it means that you go forward and you pretend like everything's fine, and you need to do that to get through the holidays, then do it. If you can gather together, and it's after somebody's death, and you're really missing them, try to do some little tribute. Like what did you enjoy most about them? What did you appreciate most about the patriarchal figure that you used to be here at the end of the table?
But again, everybody is different. And if you are actively having somebody dying, it might not feel good to go out and get Christmas presents. It might not feel good to be planning stuff. Your days might be spent in a hospice care unit, and that's okay. You just have to do what is right for you in that moment.
Ask what feels right. And if it doesn't feel right, listen to yourself. Acknowledge what your self wants and needs in that moment because grief is different for everybody."
And if it feels right, you can even attend an event for people with others who are mourning during the holidays.
Longest Night Service at The Dalles United Church of Christ Congregational
Who: All are welcome.
When: December 21st, 6 p.m.
Where: 111 East 5th Street, The Dalles, OR 97058
"Maybe you have lost a loved one this year and dread Christmas without them, or maybe you live with the pain of a longer absence," explains The Reverend Lea Mathieu, the church's minister. "Or maybe you're isolated at a time when our culture stresses being with family and friends. Or maybe you're broke and resent the relentless ads for gifts. Whatever the reason, know you are not alone."
The 45-minute service includes choral and congregational singing, meditative silence, prayer, and a reflection by Mathieu on John 1:5, "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness does not overcome it."
Mental Health Resources for the Holidays and Year-round
Find a therapist near you at Therapy in the Gorge.
National Alliance on Mental Illness 1-800-950-6264
David Romprey Oregon Warmline 1-800-698-2392
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Local Crisis Counseling & Emergency Assistance Resource List
HOOD RIVER
Mid-Columbia Center for Living (541) 386-2620
Oregon DHS (541) 386-3199
THE DALLES
Mid-Columbia Center for Living (541) 296-5452
Oregon DHS (541) 296-4661
KLICKITAT COUNTY
Comprehensive Mental Health CRISIS (800)-572-8122
SKAMANIA COUNTY
Skamania County Mental Health CRISIS (509) 427-3850
GORGEWIDE
Oregon Partnerships Line for Life Suicide Prevention (800) 273-8255
Crisis Text Line Text HOME to 741741
Oregon YouthLine - Teen to Teen crisis counseling (877) 968-8491
